You can read days 3, 2, and 1 by clicking the numbers.
”The upset child is like a plane with an overwhelmed, irrational pilot”, according to Simon Currigan of School Behaviour Secrets. “You, (whether you’re a teacher or parent), are not inside the plane controlling it, you’re the radio tower. Your job is to guide and talk the plane down, not wrestle control.”
Of course, if I need to behave like an ATC the obvious place to start is being calm myself, because if both of us kick-off that plane’s going to end up as a smoking hole in the ground.
Regulate yourself first
I know it seems obvious, ‘put on your oxygen mask first’ and all that, but it needs to be said regularly. Our children borrow our nervous systems and we are teaching them what’s normal every single day with our own behaviour.
If we become louder, more threatening or more emotional, their brain reads it as confirmation that there really is danger.
Our job isn’t to stay perfectly calm. It’s to become the calmer nervous system in the room. That might mean:
slowing your breathing
lowering your voice rather than raising it
relaxing your shoulders
speaking more slowly
This is what people mean when they talk about co-regulation.
Nobody is listening
I grew up with a shouty, alcoholic dad and I hated it. I feared him, but I also despised him for his inability to control himself or apologise.
I’ve always told my babies that once someone is shouting nobody is listening; the person who’s shouting can’t process their thoughts because they’ve lost control, and the person who’s having to cope with the shouter instinctively goes into self-protection mode; fight, flight, freeze.
Knowing how this works is one of the keys to coping better when it happens, but even knowing what we’re supposed to do isn’t complete protection. That’s why I’ll be talking about how we repair in a different article.
To my shame, this happened recently to me. I absolutely lost it with one of my girls. I don’t remember why my lid flipped, actually neither of us can remember the details, I simply remember losing it, then marching up to her room and telling her that what upset me most was the fact she simply sat and stared at me, showing no remorse.
She calmly reminded me that I was the one who’d taught her when someone is shouting they’re not capable of reasoning and listening, and the person on the receiving end has gone into self-preservation.
I was stunned.
“Ah, yes you’re right.” Damn, I did teach her that, and she’s now way more attuned to it than I am. At least I have that to be proud of.
She then said she was genuinely sorry. I told her I was sorry. We hugged. Life is good.
What’s strange to me is that I’ve never been a shouter until recently. It might be menopause, or just the fact that I’m old and I’ve had enough of people’s sh**. I lost it with my husband at a restaurant a couple of years back after he’d spent the entire day and evening treating me like staff. The woman next to me dared to insist I should go on HRT. That annoyed me even more because a) I can’t because I’ve had oestrogen-receptive breast cancer b) she assumed I was the problem.
I’m telling you this to remind us all that when people lose it, there’s usually a build-up. I have a relatively long fuse, but for some the lead up is much shorter. We’ll come back to this story later to look at how the last part of PARR, reflection, does the heavy lifting towards progress.
In the past I used to freeze. I distinctly remember telling my then boyfriend that if I told him something was wrong between us he should consider it a positive sign our love was healthy; it meant I thought our relationship was worthy of repair.
I went on to warn him that the time he should really worry is when I’d gone quiet. I didn’t know, then, that freezing is another form of dysregulation; when you’ve dropped below your window of tolerance and shut down. I’ve ended a lot of very serviceable relationships because nobody ever showed me how to move on from that to repair. Once I’d shut down I would then shift to flight and that would be that. I’m not proud of it, I just know it to be true.
Freeze is something my bonus daughter does too, so at least I can help her understand what’s going on. I consider this to be handing down the family jewels. The value can seem invisible but it’s undeniable.
My daughter has a friend who does, and says, really hurtful things. Each time I hear the stories I can spot the stumbles of a girl who has grown up in a home where her mother is completely self-involved and emotionally immature. Her mother’s not teaching these skills to her daughter, and it shows.
If we don’t model this for our babies where are they going to learn? Why is it the job of someone else such as a romantic partner, teacher or friend? Even if we struggle, it’s our job to learn about how this works and try to break the cycle. We can transform this pressure into diamonds we can pass down.
What’s going on?
When someone has “flipped their lid” (to use Daniel J. Siegel’s analogy), their emotional brain has taken over and the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for reasoning, planning and self-control, isn’t functioning at its best.
As any parent knows, you can’t reason someone who’s in that state back to calm. We have to find a way for them to get their lid back on.
What can we do?
The evidence from neuroscience and emotion regulation suggests several principles:
My mantra: Don’t increase the pressure trying win the argument; open the vents
It’s very common for us parents to feel like we need to finish the conversation. We don’t. If our teenager is shouting, crying or raging, or they’ve gone completely quiet, we’re usually wasting energy trying to explain why they’re wrong. Instead, we say something like:
“I can see you’re really overwhelmed. Let’s pause this and come back when we’re both thinking more clearly.”
It’s not giving in. It’s choosing the right moment.
Make safety your first priority
If there’s any risk of someone being hurt:
move younger siblings away
remove objects that could be thrown
keep your own body safe
give physical space
Don’t corner them or block exits unless there is an immediate safety risk because many teenagers calm faster when they don’t feel trapped.
Say less
This is one of the hardest things for us parents when emotions are high. Don’t lecture, interrogate, try to solve, or demand apologies A few words are far more effective, like
“I’m here.”
“I can see this is huge.”
“You’re safe.”
“We’ll sort this out later.”
Don’t chase
If they storm upstairs, resist following them immediately unless you’re worried about their safety or their emotional storm. My mother used to do this for my sister, but the never learned to self-regulate; she learnt that having a fit and storming upstairs would be rewarded with her mother’s undivided attention. So she kept repeating it. You might simply say:
“I’m downstairs when you’re ready.”
That leaves the door open without increasing the conflict.
How to spot that the plane is beginning to land
When…
They’re able to chew and or swallow. Dr Jody explained that she always carries fun snacks with her to give dysregulated children. People accuse her of rewarding bad behaviour but she says once they can chew and swallow it’s a reliable sign that the prefrontal cortex is re-engaging.
Swearing or insulting transitions into calmer language.
They can take short breaths after a sharp exhale. Or they laugh after crying it signals a reset.
Their breathing slows and deepens.
Their shoulders drop, jaw unclenches, their face becomes less flushed.
Hands unclench, fidgeting decreases, posture softens.
Clear behavioral/verbal signs
They stop escalating such as yelling, hitting, pacing, and begin quieter vocalizations; grunts, short sentences, or muttered words.
They make eye contact or glance toward you more frequently.
They start using words rather than just sounds.
They show small cooperative actions like taking an offered snack, sitting down, accepting a tissue, moving closer.
Cognitive signs (thinking/processing returns)
They can follow a simple instruction or answer a direct question.
They begin to show perspective e.g., “I was angry because…” or can identify an emotion “I was frustrated”.
Emotional signs
Tears may start; sometimes crying is the bridge back, not a failure.
They shift from intense anger or fear to sadness, remorse, or tiredness.
They may move toward you or briefly withdraw to compose themselves; both can indicate regulation returning.
What adults can do as the child comes back online
Pause and avoid immediate consequences or long lectures. Wait until calm is sustained. At least a few minutes.
Offer simple, validating statements: “You were really upset. I can see that.” or “Thanks for calming down, are you okay?”
Repair quickly if you lost your temper: a short apology + reconnect “I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m sorry. Can we talk?”).
Once calm, ask “What happened?” or “What’s the hardest part?” keep it curiosity-based, not punitive.
Co-create the next steps. If they made a mess you can ask what they think they can do to repair and what’s a good way to clean up, apologise, what consequence would help them ) and keep them small and concrete.
Short scripts to use when they’re coming back
“I can see you’re calming down. Do you want a snack or to sit together?”
“Thanks for taking some breaths. When you’re ready, tell me what happened.”
If you overreacted
“I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t helpful. Can we try again?”
As I’ve said before, if this is happening a lot, keep digging. Consider trauma history, neurodivergence, sensory issues, and look for professional support.
We’ve now looked at Pause, Acknowledge what’s happening. Next time we’ll look at the third letter of PARR, which is to Respond rather than react.