I love the idea of the podcast and Substack being a Big Hug. Can we ever get enough hugs? The tagline evolved from being honest about our failings as parents, and how important it is to give us all a break from beating ourselves up. No parent is perfect, and trying to be one will only cause more stress. Besides, if we’re stressed it means we can’t do our most important job; regulate ourselves enough to support our kids properly. So being kind to ourselves isn’t a luxury; it’s vital.

The more people I talk to, and the more my kids grow and give me feedback, the more I’ve realised that the gift I have to offer isn’t big hugs, but fearlessness. I’ve spent my life thinking, ‘How hard could that be?’ It’s that attitude, and the refusal to stay with things that made my life painful, that has given me so much. The truth is, fear is a reaction whilst courage is a decision and we parents need to teach our kids that we can feel the fear and do things anyway.

It’s also why I’ve been working on making parenting teens look less complex. What I’ve found in my research is that there are some reasonably simple things we can get right that will do most of the heavy-lifting for us. I’m here to help you trust the process and stop panicking at every mis-step that seems to take our kids away from a mythical, perfect grade/person/job. I also want to hold your hand as you notice the things you need to change about yourself in order to show up as a strong, steady, loving force in your child’s life. That’s the hardest job of all.

So I’m changing my Substack to Fearless Parenting and I’ll be trying to focus my messages on the core things we need to provide at home. Loving warmth and a scaffold around our kids whithin which they can build skills. We also need help with understanding our teen’s perspective.

Here are my core headings for all of this:

Love, Communication, Routine, Boundaries, Conflict Management, Mentoring, Emotion Coaching, Fun, and Family Culture.

What do you think? Am I missing anything? More to come.

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Top Tips:

BIFF statements: I love an acronym and the one taught me, BIFF, has been really helping me with my teen. If you haven’t yet heard the episode it’s about keeping communication Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

My daughter is now at the stage where she’ll almost always put her empty dishes in the dishwasher, but we constantly have to remind her scrape what she hasn’t eaten into the food bin. Yesterday the dishwasher flashed up an error code. When I investigated the filter was completely congealed with food and fat. I sighed, pulled it out to scrub it with an old toothbrush, then stopped.

The next morning when my teen emerged I greeted her joyfully the way I always do. I then used BIFF to explain that the dishwasher filter needed to be scrubbed because she doesn’t scrape her plate, handed her a toothbrush and showed her how to remove the filter etc. The BIFF tone meant there was no sullen pushback.

She did, however, ask for her phone. My response was another top tip: use a When/Then statement. I replied, ‘Yes, of course. As soon as you’ve cleaned the filter.’ It worked so well that I wish I’d known it when I started parenting and here I am, passing it on. How do you get your teens to do things?

Organising the house for ease:

In my talks with Susie we’re pretty relaxed about mess. Not because it’s not a problem (in my mind) but because we need to pick our battles when our kids are teens. My daughter has kept her room in chaos for much of her teen life, fighting any attempts I make to help her. More recently she’s accepted that she’s not being judged, and I’ve made some small changes that have helped her, so she’s become much tidier and less determined to push back.

It’s really important that we undertand this about neurodivergent teens; drop the judgement, ramp up the love and support in other areas, and they will begin to calm down and be able to function better. It takes longer, so stop looking at other kids and panicking about their timeline. Hold the faith.

There are lots of influencers teaching us how to organise ourselves. Most of them seem to spend too much time folding socks and pressing them into little sock pockets for my liking. I recently came across organizedchaos4_audrey via a recommendation and she’s been a revelation. It reminded me that we all have to find the person who works the way our mind works.

As a result of watching her I have completely organised all of my cupboards and moved onto my laundry room. It’s a rolling stone that is now gathering momentum. It’s also made me feel so much calmer and less stressed.

I moved into a run down Tudor home just before I gave birth to my first, and it’s been a non-stop failed attempt to get on top of things ever since. I had no organising or cleaning skills handed down to me, so I spend my life being a magpie on the hunt for tips that work for me and I’m particularly keen to get this sorted because I want my girls to benefit from everything I learn before they leave home properly.

If you’re interested I’m happy to create a post/video for paid subscribers that is a full tour of all the changes and what a difference they make. What do you think?

Study time:

The Sweet Spot of Weekend Catch-up Sleep:

One of the first questions a listener asked, years ago, was whether they should let their teen sleep in at the weekend. If you’ve been following me for some time you’ll know that I’m obsessed with the lack of sleep our teens are getting, and the inevitable impact it has on everything else. Based on everything I’ve read, I let my kids sleep in, but there’s more.

Read more

Our local Thai is a lovely place. Well I say lovely but the exterior is a monstrosity next to a massive Morrisons car park. You wouldn’t know what it was if you came at it from the Morrisons angle; it’s all hard glass and angles. Around the other side, two large candle lanterns and a green plant flank a glass-doored entrance. Push through the first door then on through the second and the hanging saffron lantern lights, aged shutters that flank the walls, shadowy corners, and scent of lemon grass and jasmine shape-shift the world from Surrey to Koh Samui. Best of all, there’s the loveliest manager; a small, handsome, Asian man with perfect teeth who always greets us with a fullsome smile and personal welcome.

As he seated us on our latest visit he asked how we were. My husband then returned the question and I asked if he’d be voting in the local council elections. He looked stunned. We were supposed to be in Koh Sumui, after all. He shook his head and winced. He’d forgotten there were elections and went on to reveal that he’s come off all social media and stopped watching the news. I love a renegade, so I asked why. He explained that he’d been going through a phase of feeling like everyone hates him, then he’d bumped into a neighbour who’d offered to help him with something, invited him into their house gave him a drink and explained how to do it.

That interaction had woken him up to the truth;

I scanned the relaxed faces in the restaurant and thought, if that’s how the proprietor of a beautiful, thriving restaurant, embedded within a bustling community town full of people who’re predominantly generous and welcoming feels, how do our kids stand a chance?

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It was a few years ago that I noticed the problem; that sense that the world is full of angry, divisive people who want to take away our power in some way. That shadowy cabal of dangerous people who want to destroy everything we hold dear. My antidote was to pro-actively talk to anyone and everyone, wherever I am; regardless of town or country. It’s astonishly joyous and interesting, it keeps my curiosity muscles strong and my cynicism in check. If you don’t already do this I urge you to try it, because your kids will notice and they will learn from you that the world of real people isn’t as hostile as they’re being led to believe, no matter how embarassing they think you are.

Not content with treating the world like a cocktail party where I’ve come to mingle, I’ve created a WhatsApp group with my general neighbourhood and invite everyone to my house once a month for two hours for tea and cake; nothing fancy. I actively encourage people to bring their elderly and kids, because I understand the incredible value of multi-generational gatherings for the wellbeing of everyone.

At the latest one Colin brought his incredible honey to sell, the teenager showed everyone his woodwork and got some commissions, someone asked for home help with their elderly parents, someone offered top-soil, John (who is older so no longer flies) had the chance to talk about his adventures with a younger pilot, one of the kids shared the biscuits she’d baked for the event then they all played Marco Polo outside to the excitement of my dog.

I’ve also become obsessed with using curiosity to understand the world, rather than sticking with my standpoint or being led to think things I don’t believe just because it’s what I’m being told is common practice. It makes me a better parent to my kids and it really helps them when they witness me having conversations with people who don’t necessarily see the world in the same way as me. At a time when podcasts like Triggernometry are claiming that ‘Critical Thinking is Dead’ I want to show my kids that thinking and compassion whilst engaging with challenging ideas is still possible, and way more enjoyable, than shutting down others or spending our lives in online silos to protect ourselves from disagreements.

I’m also fully aware that online is where our kids are, so it’s not enough to show them an offline world of tolerance and communication, we need to help them navigate the online world in a way that keeps their nervous system from blowing a fuse; how to get past the superficial concrete walls and into the joy-infused Thai restaurant.

If I’m honest, I’m probably as bewildered as you are about how to do it properly, so how can I pass it on to my kids? All of this is a very long-winded way of explaining why I was thrilled to learn, from Dr Maree Davies of the University of Auckland, the best techniques for thinking critically.

Let’s start with one of my favourite quotes from Maree’s book, Teaching Critical Thinking to Teenagers:

I love how this shifts the onus from having to be the one who’s right to sharing what I’ve heard and learnt with someone else, then asking them to share what they have with the express intention of finding something approximating the truth. It’s about learning to be open to facts that may change my position, not digging in my heels and insisting I have THE answer; tempting though that may be.

Guess what? If we practice all of this at home with our kids, before taking it into the wider world, the dividends in connection and understanding are phenomenal. I promise.

Here are the key ideas I’ve taken from my discussion with Dr Davies. Her book is well worth your time if you want a more thorough exploration of this topic.

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Core Critical Thinking Skills

Maree says we should start with ‘their’ story, not our lecture

The best way to open someone up to having a civil conversation, and listening to a different viewpoint, is to start by allowing them the space to air their own views and story. I discovered this when I researched conflict management and the unforgetable acronym LUFU; Listen, Until they, Feel, Understood.

This is the exact advice Dr Davies gives. Invite their experiences and emotions first:

• “What have you seen?”

• “How does it make you feel?”

• “What are your friends saying?”

It builds trust and surfaces bias before you move to analysis. Once you’ve asked them to say what they think, and you’ve listened carefully, you can then ask whether they’re prepared to give you the same grace.

Maree has what she calls a Street Smarts Framework for picking apart a viewpoint:

Story → Position → Evidence → Perspectives → Impact → Reflection

After you’ve got their story ask:

• P “What’s your actual position on this?”

• E “Where did you get that from eg facts/sources/reliability?”

• P “Who might see this differently?”

• I “Who benefits or loses out?”

• R “Do you still feel the same after talking it through?”

Model curiosity and changing our minds

We can’t teach our kids to be curious or to change their minds unless they see adults being comfortable doing it. Get used to saying things like:

• “I used to think X, but I’ve changed my mind because…”

• “I don’t know yet—I need more information.”

This normalises updating beliefs rather than clinging to them.

Talk explicitly about algorithms

Maree suggests we explore algorithms together:

• “Why are these videos in your feed?”

• “What is this app optimising for—your wellbeing, or your watch time?”

Core message: our feed is highly personalised, not “what everyone sees.”

Talk about how you’ve just looked up under-stair storage and now all you get it adverts from companies selling it so you’re going to have to fix your algorithm. Or, “I paused to listen to a story about this rude, misogynistic guy saying disgusting things and now I get so much content that’s anti-men. If I don’t fix my algorithm I’m going to start believing all men are like that.”

Practice fact vs opinion using real content

I love this idea, because it’s really simple. Take a post, reel or news item and ask:

• “Which bits are facts we could check?”

• “Which bits are opinion or interpretation?”

• “What’s still unknown?”

If we do this often it will train them to see the difference, especially when opinion is dressed as truth.

Teach powerful question types

• Uptake: “Can you tell me more?” / “What do you mean by that?”

• Speculative: “What do you think might be going on here?”

• Analytical: “Do you notice a pattern?”

• Generalising: “So what’s the big takeaway?”

These move us from hot reaction to deeper thinking.

Use informal, low-pressure spaces for big topics

• Fridge, car, walks, making food—not just “serious talks.”

• Casual opener: “Everyone’s talking about X—what do you make of it?”

Share your own struggles and solutions

• “I’ve just caught myself getting really angry about what this woman has said and I realised I’m being manipulted because...”

• “My algorithm’s stuck on one topic; I’m trying to ‘retrain’ it.”

It’s so much more powerful to model self-reflection and problem-solving instead of perfection.

Use shared media (books, films, YouTube) as practice grounds

Watch/read what they’re studying or loving and ask:

• “Whose story is this?”

• “How is this trying to make us feel?”

• “What’s missing from this picture?”

Name simple fallacies and traps when you see them

• Cherry-picking: only using evidence that suits the argument.

• Red herrings: changing the subject to avoid the real issue.

• Appeal to popularity: “it has loads of likes, so it must be true.”

Point them out gently in real examples. That sounds like cherry picking. What do you think?

Finally: Reconnect critical thinking with empathy and values

Ask:

• “Do you think that’s fair?”

• “I wonder who else might be affected by this?”

• “If we were in their shoes, how would this feel?”

I’d say our most important job, as parents, is to link arguments back to the kind of person, and society, we want to help create. When we share this information, or watch it, are we helping to grow what we believe is good?

What are your thoughts on this topic? I’d love to know.

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I’ve created a PDF printout for paid subscribers that I’ve printed out myself and pinned to the wall in my kitchen so we can keep practicing it.

In this episode, I talk to Dr Maree Davies, senior lecturer at the University of Auckland and author of Teaching Critical Thinking to Teenagers: How kids can be street smart about AI, algorithms, fake news and social media.

Her work is all about making critical thinking accessible to all teenagers, not just the academically gifted. And crucially, she shows how these skills can actually reduce anxiety by giving teens a sense of control over the flood of information they face every day.

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We explore:

What critical thinking really is (beyond the academic buzzword) and why the tween and early teen years (11–15) are such a powerful window for learning it

How cognitive bias, schemas, and teenage brain development affect the way young people react to information—especially on social media

Marie’s Street Smarts model for teaching critical thinking at home and in school, starting from a teen’s own story and perspective

How to talk to teens about algorithms, AI, fake news, and influencers in a way that feels respectful, engaging, and non-preachy

The role of relationships, respect, and status in adolescent life—and how we can use these realities to open up richer conversations

Why modelling our own struggles (with phones, news, time management, etc.) is far more powerful than lecturing

Practical question types and conversation prompts that help teens move from emotional reactions to thoughtful, reasoned views

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This is one of my favourite recent conversations and I’d love as many people as possible to hear it. These skills matter because our teenagers are being shaped—every day—by forces they often don’t fully understand. Critical thinking isn’t about turning them into cynics; it’s about giving them tools, language, and confidence to question, to evaluate, and, when necessary, to change their minds.

It’s also about strengthening our own connection with them, so that they feel heard, respected, and equipped to take their place in the world as thoughtful, compassionate adults.

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Printable PDF of techniques for paid subscribers

If you’re parenting with someone who is highly critical, explodes over small things, or shows little insight into their own behaviour, you are not alone. This might also describe your teenager, so it’s worth reading this and learning the skills to help with them too.

One listener described it this way:

“My husband is highly critical of the teenagers, gets angry over little things and yells, so I’m having to make up for his behaviour, and I often avoid involving him in parenting decisions. It creates more stress for me, to be honest, and I’ve taken on most of the parenting. The children trust me and share with me, which is good. It would be a great support to know how others deal with this dynamic, especially when the partner has no insight into his issues.”

With her permission, I shared the issue with my followers on Instagram and had a flood of other parents saying it could be a description of their own situation.

It’s heart-breaking how many of us are not only dealing with the complexities of raising our own kids but also having to manage a partner who refuses to grow and change. I will say that there are often underlying needs and challenges holding the difficult partner back.

The book, Repatterned, by conflict navigation specialist, mediator, and divorce coach, Masha Rusanov, is an excellent guide on how to manage conflict in the home, workplace and anywhere else it arises. It has lots of prompts to help the reader think through what’s going on and guide us to move through the discomfort towards setting necessary boundaries. I’ve included the best tips from my discussion with Masha further into this article, but I wanted to start by offering my own reflections.

One of the hardest things about parenting teens is that it asks things of us that force us to grow. For me, that also one of the most rewarding things about parenting teens. If we’re prepared to accept the need to grow and change, and take the time and energy to sort out our own issues, it’s a gift to our entire family, not self-indulgence.

I grew up in a household like the one described, and what would have helped me most would have been if my mother had acknowledged what was happening, set boundaries with him, and understood and even supported me when I pushed back. I fully recognise that it’s really unfair, because it puts all of the pressure on the mother or parent who’s already having to manage a difficult spouse. At the same time, we are the ones who chose our partner, so we’re the ones who need to find the strength to resolve an unpleasant situation; not our kids.

Unfortunately, my mother stayed on the path that Masha describes in this episode, playing a role that ultimately diminished her and kept her stuck too. I completely understand why. It came from a position of fear; fear of being alone at a time when women had far fewer options and supports than they do now, she had been isolated by him and his behaviour, and it seemed like too big of a task to free herself. She didn’t have resources like this to support her on the difficult path out of her maze. Instead she accepted that she was stuck.

This episode, the others I have created, and the information below, is for all of you who would like your lives to turn out better than that.

If you’re the one who’s struggling to maintain calm around your loved-ones, and you feel yourself reacting strongly, please don’t sit in shame. Get help to understand what’s happening. I have other episodes in which I explore the various factors and the skills you can develop, but expert therapists will have a wider range of techniques and the ability to hold the space for you whilst you heal. It’s too much to expect your family to do it for you and it might be the greatest gift you give to everyone.

If you’re living with someone who is exhibiting challenging behaviour, setting boundaries is vital. It’s not just important for you and the kids, I recently attended a six-week course on how parents should support their children who have OCD. The leader, whose OCD is now under control, said the best thing her partner did was to divorce her. It forced her into a situation where she had to confront her behaviour. I’m not suggesting that’s the answer, but the setting of boundaries and insisting you won’t play along with their narrative, has the power to interrupt their autopilot and force whatever change is possible.

Before I go on, I’d like to be clear that you shouldn’t stay in a situation that is potentially dangerous. This is the national domestic abuse helpline for the UK, but you will likely have one in your country if you’re reading this somewhere else. I also want to acknowledge that, whilst the majority of DV cases are men on women, there are women who exhibit this behaviour too, and men should feel no shame in seeking support too. Please read the signs and know if you are in danger.

Spotting the signs

• Is your partner jealous and possessive?

• Is he charming one minute and abusive the next?

• Does he tell you what to wear, where to go, who to see?

• Does he constantly put you down?

• Does he play mind games and make you doubt your judgment?

• Does he control your money, or make sure you are dependent on him for everyday things?

• Does he pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to?

• Are you starting to walk on eggshells to avoid making him angry?

• Does he control your access to medicine, devices or care that you need?

• Does he monitor or track your movements or messages?

• Does he use anger and intimidation to frighten and control you?

Now, onto some clear ideas and concrete tools, you can start using today.

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Start by Understanding the Pattern (You’re Not Broken)

Masha’s core message is compassionate and important:

Your reactions in conflict are not signs that you’re broken – they’re patterns you learned to keep yourself safe.

How these patterns form

As children, we often can’t fight back or leave when an adult is yelling or unsafe. So our body and brain pick a strategy that works in the moment:

• Freeze

• Hide or shut down

• Appease and “keep the peace”

That strategy keeps us safe, so we repeat it and over time, a neural pathway forms: your brain learns, “In danger, I do this.”

In adulthood, when your high-conflict spouse starts shouting or criticising, your body often reacts as if you’re back in that earlier situation. You might: Go quiet and freeze, over-explain and placate or take on all the parenting to avoid “setting them off”

You’re not weak. You’re running a very old, very well‑practised script.

Why this matters: Seeing your responses as patterns, not personal failures, is what makes change possible. You can’t choose differently until you notice what you do automatically.

The Exhale–Explore–Engage Framework

(For the Heat of the Moment)

Masha’s framework is simple enough to use when you’re flooded, but deep enough to change patterns over time:

Exhale → Explore → Engage

Step 1:

Exhale – Create a Micro-Pause

When you feel yourself getting triggered:

Take a long, slow exhale (one or more times). You can do this anywhere – kitchen, car, even a work meeting. The hardest part isn’t the breath; it’s remembering you can do it.

What it does in your body:

When you’re triggered, your amygdala fires: fight/flight/freeze. Long exhales signal safety to your nervous system. This helps bring your thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) back online so you can choose, not just react.

Try this:
In for 4, long out for 6–8. Even one slow exhale can slightly widen the gap between impulse and action.

Step 2:

Explore – Get Curious About What’s Really Going On

Once you’ve created even a sliver of space, ask yourself quietly:

• “What is happening in me right now?”

• “What do I want to do in this moment?”

• “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

• “What do I actually need?”

You might notice things like:

• “I want to shout back.”

• “I want to hide in my bedroom.”

• “I want to grab the kids and leave the room.”

• “I want this to just be over.”

This awareness alone is progress. You’re moving from automatic reaction to conscious noticing.

If you want to go deeper (outside the heat of conflict), Masha suggests a “round table” exercise:

Imagine a round table in your mind and invite different “parts” of you to sit down:

• The part that freezes

• The part that wants to shout

• The part that wants to protect the kids

Ask each part:

• “What are you afraid of?”

• “What do you need?”

• “When did you first learn to respond this way?”

You’ll often find that today’s reaction is a replay of an old story – a parent, teacher, or other authority figure from your childhood.

Step 3:

Engage – Choose a Different Response

Once you notice what you want to do (your default), you can ask:

“What would the opposite of this look like?” If you want to attack, the opposite might be calmly stating a boundary or leaving the room. If you want to freeze, the opposite might be saying, “I’m not okay with this tone,” and walking away. If you want to appease, the opposite might be saying less, not more.

Masha suggests “trying on” different possible responses in your mind and noticing which response makes your body feel tight and closed and which response makes your body feel more open or relieved, even if it’s scary. Now choose the option that feels more aligned and grounded, not the one that feels most familiar.

You will not do this perfectly. That’s okay. Every time you notice and slightly adjust, you’re building a new neural pathway.

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Understanding High-Conflict Personalities

The listener describes a husband who is a classic example of what Masha calls a “high-conflict personality”.

She describes four common traits:

1. Cannot take responsibility: Everything is someone else’s fault.

2. Unprocessed or unmanaged emotions: Big reactions, poor emotional regulation.

3. Extreme behaviours: Yelling, threats, explosive anger, or intense withdrawal.

4. All-or-nothing thinking: People are either good or bad, with no nuance.

These people often get stuck in denial and anger. They don’t move into reflection or repair, because they don’t look inward, don’t process their emotions and don’t believe they are part of the problem

This is why appealing to their insight (“Don’t you see what you’re doing?”) usually fails. Their system isn’t set up to respond to that.

Communication Tools That Actually Help

Masha shared several tools that work better with high-conflict people (and teenagers, incidentally).

Tool 1: Move Them to the Future + Offer Choices

High-conflict partners often rehash the past:

“You never… You always… Last week you…”

And want to stay in blame mode. Your job isn’t to win the argument. It’s to redirect to the future and limit the terrain.

Instead of explaining yourself endlessly or debating details of the past

Try something like, “I can see this is important to you.
Would you prefer we do X together tonight, or I do it tomorrow morning?”

Or:

“We clearly see this differently. What would you like to happen next — A or B?”

This pulls them out of the past, engages the more logical, choice-based part of their brain and gives them a sense of control without you surrendering your dignity

Tool 2: EAR Statements – Empathy, Attention, Respect

From Bill Eddy’s work (which Masha draws on), EAR helps calm defensiveness:

• E – Empathy

• A – Attention

• R – Respect

You don’t have to agree with them to offer EAR.

Example (partner ranting about chores):

E) “I can see how frustrated you are about the state of the house.

A) I do want to understand what matters most to you here,

R) and I respect how much you care about things being organised.”

Then you set your boundary or bring it to the future:

“Right now, I’m going to finish helping the kids with homework. After that, we can decide how we want to handle the rest.”

EAR can de‑escalate enough to keep things from boiling over.

Tool 3: BIFF Messages – Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm

High-conflict people (and teenagers) often feed on drama and long back-and-forths. BIFF reduces that fuel. A BIFF message is:

• Brief – no long explanations or justifications

• Informative – just the relevant facts

• Friendly – neutral or slightly warm tone

• Firm – clear boundary, no open-ended argument

Example (text or email about the kids):

“I’ll drop the kids at yours at 5pm on Friday and pick them up at 3pm on Sunday.
Let me know if that timing doesn’t work. Otherwise I’ll assume it’s fine.”

No defending, no emotional commentary, no attack.

Boundaries: What They Are and How to Use Them

With high-conflict partners, defensiveness, over-explaining, and appealing to logic usually backfire.

Instead, Masha recommends:

State the boundary clearly, focusing on you

• “I’m not willing to be shouted at in front of the kids.”

• “If the conversation becomes yelling or name-calling, I will leave the room.”

Link it to a consequence you can control

• “…If the shouting starts, I will take the children into another room.”

• “…If this continues, I’ll end the conversation and we can revisit it later.”

Repeat once or twice, then do what you said you would do.

Here are concrete examples.

If the boundary is about yelling at you

Boundary statement:

“I’m not willing to be shouted at. If the yelling continues, I’m going to leave the room.”

They keep yelling.

Repeat once:

“I’ve said I won’t stay in the room when I’m being shouted at. If this continues, I’m going to leave now.”

They carry on.

Act:

• Stop talking.

• Leave the room (or the house if that’s what you said you’d do).

• Do not shout a final comment over your shoulder.

• If they follow you, you calmly repeat:

“I’m not discussing this while you’re shouting,”
and move again to a private/safe space if you can.

The key is: you remove yourself, instead of trying to make them stop.

If the boundary is about yelling at the children

Boundary statement:

“I don’t want the children being shouted at like this. If it continues, I’ll take them into another room.”

They continue or escalate.

Repeat once:

“This is too much for them. If you keep shouting, I’m taking them out of the room now.”

They continue.

Act: Say to the children:

“Come with me, we’re going into the other room now.”

• Physically move them away.

• Do not engage in a long argument as you leave; your focus is on getting the kids out of the blast zone.

• Later, when things are calmer, you can decide if further steps are needed (e.g., insisting on a rule about how conflict happens in front of the kids, or in serious cases, seeking outside support/professional help).

Here, “acting” = protecting the children in the way you said you would.

If the boundary is about when you’ll continue a discussion

Boundary statement:

“I’ll talk about this when we’re both calmer. Right now, I’m not continuing this conversation.”

They push: “No, we’re talking about it NOW.”

Repeat once:

“I understand you want to sort it now. I’m not willing to have this conversation while it’s this heated. I’ll come back to it later.”

They keep pushing.

Act:

• Stop responding to the content.

• Walk away, or end the call/message.

• If they text repeatedly, you don’t get pulled into a back‑and‑forth; you may send one BIFF-style message later:

“I’m happy to talk about X tomorrow at 7pm when things are calmer.”

Acting here = actually ending the interaction instead of arguing about whether you’re “allowed” to.

How to act internally

“Acting” is also about what you do with yourself:

Remind yourself

“I’m allowed to have this boundary.”
“I’m protecting myself / the kids, not attacking them.”

• Expect a spike: high‑conflict people often escalate briefly when a pattern changes.

• Stick to the plan even if you feel guilty or shaky. That shakiness doesn’t mean you’re wrong; it often just means you’re doing something new.

When the boundary is a “hard” one (safety)

If the boundary involves safety (physical violence, serious emotional harm), acting might mean:

• Calling a trusted friend or family member

• Leaving the house with the children

• In some situations, calling emergency services or a helpline

You do it when the threshold is crossed, because safety comes first.

Nobody is pretending that any of this is easy, but I want to assure you that putting in the hard work now pays dividends in the future.

Let me know what you think. Is this something you have dealt with?

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This message came into my Substack. It was a plaintiff request for support and a plea to know how others deal with the problem.

When I posted it (with her permission), a flood of parents said, “This is my life too.”

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If you’re dealing with high conflict in your home, whether with your teens or your partner, then this is the episode for you.

Conflict navigation specialist, mediator, and divorce coach Masha Rusanov helps us to unpack what really sits behind high‑conflict dynamics at home—especially when one parent is emotionally dysregulated, highly critical, or reactive.

We explore:

• Why we repeat the same painful conflict patterns (and how to start changing them)

• Masha’s simple but powerful Exhale–Explore–Engage framework you can use in the heat of the moment

• Practical scripts and tools (EAR and BIFF) for navigating a high‑conflict partner

• How to protect your children emotionally, set boundaries, and avoid parentifying them

• Ways to talk to your kids honestly about what’s happening—without overburdening them

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If you’ve ever found yourself “making up” for a partner’s behaviour, or trying to keep things calm so your teens feel safe, this conversation is for you.

Masha Rusanov

Masha Rusanov is a Conflict Navigation Specialist, ICF-credentialed coach, and certified Divorce Coach with an MA in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution, and Peacebuilding. She works with people navigating divorce, co-parenting, and high-conflict relationship dynamics, and is the author of Repatterned, a guide to breaking conflict patterns so you can stop reacting and start choosing. She also volunteers as a court mediator and community mediator in the Bay Area.

Repatterned Book

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Amelia clambered into the car this morning, foot half-stuffed into a shoe,

“I’ve just seen a post saying ‘ADHD is the worst condition…’ What are they talking about? Mummy, it’s ridiculous. Worse than having MS? Worse than a stroke, worst than severe OCD? Come on!”

She’s been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, so feels the right to have an opinion.

“Seatbelt. Yes, what do they mean by ADHD anyway? There are levels of severity, different forms…”

It prompted a great discussion, but as I kissed her goodbye it sat with me like the semolina I used to refuse in the school canteen; the pudding they would keep serving and that I would determinedly miss my entire lunch break to avoid eating.

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I’ve already said something that flags up a peculiarity of the era in which we live. Amelia ‘feels the right to have an opinion.’ Right there, is a qualifier for why my daughter isn’t ‘a bigot’, but someone who deserves to be heard.

Old hierarchies have been smashed and levelled by the internet and the great reshuffle is underway. There are constant opportunities for us to give our opinion on social media platforms but there is always a question mark over who has the right to give an opinion about anything. There are those who believe that unless you have lived experience you shouldn’t have a say, and there are those who study the science and are vexed by the amount of people loudly voicing their valid, but unsupported by science opinions, and there are those of us who’re just trying to get our kids through the teen years and out the other end in the best shape possible.

The thing that bothers me about the statement that Amelia pulled out is that it’s a common and pervasive game of one-upmanship. ‘Oh, you think ADHD is hard, try being gender-dysphoric, black, poor, OCD, BPD, female in a patriarchal world, male in a world that goes on and on about misoyny whilst ignoring male suicide rates.’ It’s everywhere.

It’s not new; Monty Python’s Four Yorkshiremen is still a brilliant satire on our tendency to up the ante whenever there’s pain in need of validation.

In them days, we’d a’ been glad to have the price of a cup o’ tea.

GC: A cup ‘ COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TG: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

What’s different is the scale of it, the way it’s almost applauded, and the fact that our kids are growing up in a public soup of empathetic one-upmanship of ‘who has it worse’, rather than ‘who’s done the most incredible thing to overcome their adversity’. Yes, I want my kids to have empathy for the challenges others face, but I also want them to see people doing heroic things that showcase what people can achieve even in the face of adversity. Besides, the mental gymnastics required to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate how hard you’ve got it compared to someone else is exhausting and really doesn’t achieve much.

I want my kids to turn their faces toward the sun. Or am I missing the point?

If you have following me for a while you’ll know I had a LOT of problems as a teenager. Many of them were inflicted upon me and some of them were self-inflicted, but here’s the thing that helped me climb out of the deep hole in which I found myself, and reach for the incredible life I now have.

If we don’t take this approach, we are effectively keeping our kids stuck. It’s why, when my daughter tells me something’s difficult, I’ll acknowledge it, ‘That sounds really hard.’ Then ask, ‘What do you want to do about it?’ The message needs to be that nobody is going to rescue you, so you need to develop the inner-resources to help yourself.

What those Yorkshiremen really needed was someone who said ‘Wow, that sounds really hard.’ then, ‘I’m so impressed with what you’ve achieved. How did you do it?’

It’s also why my mantra is, ‘You can’t help everyone so find someone who’s helping themselves and help them.’ I read the quote once and can’t remember who said it so can’t attribute it, but it’s stayed with me ever since.

As a parent, someone who researches this topic extensively, and who has lived experience, I’m convinced we need to focus our resources not on trying to fix them or weigh up who’s got it worse, but on helping to free our kids from the mindsets and obstacles holding them back.

If you’d like to read more about how to be a fearless parent who supports our kids through tough situations, here’s a previous blog

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The biggest change for the good was when I ditched any judgment or ideas of where my youngest should be at her age and simply believed the best in her, actively expressing it daily. If you’ve ever explored my resources on setting rules that work, and why some kids don’t seem to care, you’ll know that this is also the recipe for ‘fixing’ that situation too.

It’s given her the confidence to keep trying even when she doubts herself and feels ‘behind’. I tell her that every time she sits down and applies herself she’s actively changing her brain for the better. I’ve explained the neuroscience, and Instagram has verified that this is what’s happening, so she is now fired-up about her future.

I’ve written a detailed examination of my relationship with my youngest, and how it’s grown over the years, which you can read here.

Interestingly, I left school at 16 with very few exam passes under my belt. I was brilliant at English, but that was all. The background was that I had started a new school two terms into the first year of secondary school, leaving behind a terrifying comprehensive school in Surrey. At the previous school I had done anything to avoid going there, mostly pretending I was ill. The school eventually demanded evidence that I was unwell. They were right, I wasn’t, but they should have asked more about what was wrong and fixed the environment, not tried to drag me in.

Moving at that stage to an area where they took competitive exams to decide which school you attended, and having missed so much at my previous school, meant that they didn’t bother assessing me and simply put me in a secondary modern school for kids who’d failed the 11+ exmas.

I then spent my secondary school years miserable and bored and skyving because my parents didn’t care what I did. It’s unsurprising that I left with very little to show for myself. I spent a year at a fashion design college, which I’d applied to because it was the only way I could get the council funding to leave home. I was bored stupid there too, except in the modules that involved building a business. Eventually, the course leader sat me down and told me I was much more suited to academics. She was the first person to ‘see’ me and set me back on course.

I’m telling you his because when I started being more clear with Amelia about how much time it had taken me to get on track, and that having loving parents doesn’t necessarily mitigate other factors in life, I could see the tightness in her chest, that feeling she’d missed the boat, begin to dissolve. It’s vital with neurodivergent kids that we accept certain things will take longer, rather than making them feel they’re incapable.

I’d also say that, whilst we weren’t at all keen to get yet another diagnosis, it has been lifechanging for her to be recognised as having inattentive ADHD. Once you know the markers it’s easy to see how high she is on the scale, even without the tests that were conducted on her. The SENCO at her last school kept insisting that her symptoms weren’t ADHD, just dyslexia. I’ve since spoken with someone who said it’s very common for people to be given a dyslexia diagnosis and later find that they have ADHD. People receive the diagnosis and stop digging, but when your child is neurodivergent being curious about how they experience the world is the most important thing for us parents.

One reason I didn’t want to go down the ADHD route was because I hate to find excuses, but being validated has had the opposite effect. It means she has became much more open to working on ways to mitigate her symptoms. I think she just needed someone to understand how hard it is for her to emerge from the chaos.

We’re a family that shies away from medication unless really necessary, but we’ve accepted the benefits and found a drug that works incredibly well. Elvanse has no impact at all on Amelia’s personality or sleep. She says she can’t tell when she’s taken it except that everything feels way harder when she hasn’t. The impact on her ability to start a task and continue with it has been a revelation. It’s not that she didn’t want to do the work, it’s that she couldn’t.

I think that if we’d gone the drug route without sorting out how she felt about life, and her relationships within her family, the impact wouldn’t be anywhere near as positive. This way it’s the cherry on the top for someone who has been accepted for who she is, rather than a way of making her fit a life that she wasn’t made for.

Here’s a handy checklist from my conversation with my daughter, Amelia

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Printable toolkit for paid subscribers

Watch my interview with Matt Pinkett, author of Unmasking the Manosphere

Before You Talk, Question Your Own Mindset

Remember: most boys are not “monsters”

• Much of the toxic talk is performative – to fit in, get laughs, or feel powerful.

• Assume capacity for nuance, not fixed hatred.

Drop the panic / punishment first instinct

• If he mentions Andrew Tate or a harsh opinion about girls, pause.

• Ask yourself: “Can I be curious before I correct?”

Decide to attack ideas, not people

• Target the belief system (“Is it okay to hit women?”), not just the person (“Andrew Tate is disgusting”).

• This keeps the door open rather than triggering instant defensiveness.

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Spotting Possible Manosphere Influence

Use this as a quiet check-in list, not a diagnosis.

Sudden withdrawal + lots of solo screen time
“Scripted” lines about women, e.g.:

• “All women are gold diggers.”

• “80% of women only want 20% of men.”

• “Girls only go for rich / tall / high‑status guys.”

Obsession with looks / “looksmaxing”

• Extreme focus on jawline, height, muscle, very rigid diet, steroids, etc.

Increasing contempt for girls or female teachers

• Regular jokes that put girls down, or dismissing them as “irrational,” “emotional,” “inferior.”

If several of these are showing up, it’s time for gentle but intentional conversations.

How to Open the Conversation

Aim for curious, low‑judgment, specific questions.

Start with curiosity, not accusation
Try:

• “I’ve heard a lot about the manosphere / Andrew Tate. What do you think of him?”

• “What kind of stuff comes up on your TikTok or YouTube For You page?”

• “What are people at school saying about girls and relationships at the moment?”

Validate that some of it can feel helpful

• “I get why videos about confidence, money or getting fit might feel motivating.”

• “Of course you want to feel attractive and wanted—that’s totally normal.”

This shows you’re listening, not just waiting to tell him he’s wrong.

Using Critical Thinking (Not Lectures)

Your goal: help him pull the ideas apart himself.

Ask clarifying “how do you know?” questions

• “You said ‘all women are gold diggers’—what makes you say all?”

• “Roughly how many women have you actually seen do that—in real life, not just online?”

• “Do you follow any women who don’t value money or status? Have you looked?”

Zoom out from his algorithm

• “If your feed mostly shows one type of woman, what might that say about the algorithm, not all women?”

• “Are you curating your feed, or just letting the app decide what you see?”

Use everyday examples

• “If 80% of women only wanted the top 20% of men, wouldn’t almost every dad you know be a model or millionaire?”

• “Look at our street / school / family—do the couples you see fit that rule?”

You’re gently showing: “This belief falls apart when we look at reality.”

I have an interview with a Critical Thinking expert coming up.

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Talking About Porn and Violence

Keep it straightforward, un-shaming, and factual.

Normalise that curiosity about sex and porn is common

• “Most people your age will see porn at some point. That doesn’t make you disgusting or broken.”

Name the specific problem: violence as “normal sex”

• “A lot of popular porn shows men slapping or choking women, and the woman looking like she enjoys it.”

• “That can quietly teach people that hurting someone is just what sex is.”

Separate fantasy from real‑life consent

• “In real life, sex should feel safe, wanted and respectful for both people.”

• “If anyone feels scared, pressured or in pain they don’t want, sex should stop—no matter what you’ve seen online.”

Make yourself a safe person for questions

• “If you ever see anything online that confuses or worries you, you can always ask me. I won’t tell you off for asking.”

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What Not to Do (Based on the Interview)

Don’t only punish or ban without talking

• Just confiscating phones or shouting “That man is vile!” can push him deeper into those communities, who tell him “See? Adults don’t care what you think.”

Don’t label him as a misogynist for liking parts of an influencer

• Lots of boys can see “good bits” (fitness, discipline) while rejecting the misogyny—they may just not have said that out loud yet.

Don’t mock boys who are struggling or drawn to incel ideas

• Humiliating or laughing at “sad guys on the internet” risks shaming boys who already feel rejected and may be drifting that way.

Day-to-Day Modelling at Home

Your behaviour teaches as loudly as any conversation.

Model respectful conflict between adults

• Avoid shouting, name‑calling, intimidation.

• Show listening, taking turns, apologising, and compromise.

Watch how you talk about women and girls

• No casual comments reducing women to looks, bodies or stereotypes.

• Notice how you talk about partners, exes, female colleagues.

Show that looks matter and don’t define worth

• “It’s fine to care about how you look—but your kindness, humour and reliability are what make you a great partner and friend.”

Reassuring Your Son He’s Not “Bad”

End big conversations with reassurance.

Say explicitly: “You’re allowed to change your mind”

• “You’re not stuck with any belief just because you once said it or shared a video.”

Remind him most boys can grow and rethink

• “Loads of boys go through phases of saying stuff for laughs or to fit in. What matters is that you stay open to thinking about how it affects others.”

Keep the door open

• “If something you’ve seen online ever scares you, excites you, or leaves you unsure—that’s exactly the kind of thing you can bring to me.”

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Matt Pinkett

Conflict resolution skills

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Original Manosphere episode

Talking to your teen about pornography

The expert on talking about pornography

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We all want a quick fix, there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it even works. Got a headache? Take a painkiller. Oh wait. You could also be dying, and it might be eyes…

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I thought it would be a great time to interrupt my youngest, Amelia, for an honest chat about what she sees as both good and bad strategies for supporting teenagers through exams, and homework; particularly those with dyslexia and ADHD.

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We wanted to give parents hope, an honest insight into how bumpy the road can become, and how long it can take to figure out what the best way of supporting your teen will be.

Over the past six months at her new college, Amelia has really found her feet and feels motivated to work very hard. This is helped enormously by feeling she matters to friends, loving the college she is at, and receiving proper ADHD support and intervention.

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Amelia shares her previous struggles with homework and motivation, attributing it to a lack of emphasis on academics and being placed in less academically focused classes, but also made clear how important it is to take time to understand underlying issues rather than assuming laziness.

Amelia advises against nagging, focusing on long-term goals, and providing structure without micromanaging.

Listen to the end to hear Amelia’s important, very spontaneous, message for all parents listening to this podcast.

As usual, my girls prefer not to be on camera, so this is an audio-only episode.

I’ll be writing more about my journey with Amelia, so ask me any questions if you’re keen to find out anything specific.

OTHER EPISODES:

Helping kids with exam nerves

Tips for parenting through the pressure of exams

Trust your kids

Boys who’re apathetic about study and exams

Why school exam systems need to change

How anxiety works and what we can do

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One of the hardest things about parenting teenagers is that the battles that matter most often happen at exactly the moment we have the least capacity to deal with them.

A mum wrote to me about the nightly struggle over handing in her 13-year-old daughter’s phone. She’s exhausted by bedtime. Her daughter pushes back, calls her dad, and suddenly what should be a simple boundary becomes a negotiation, then a row. We’ve all got to the point where we’re exhausted and can’t keep our calm.

It’s an extreme situation, but I think it highlights something many parents will recognise: when we’re depleted, even sensible rules can become very hard to hold.

And in my research I’ve discovered this is exactly why routines matter.

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Years ago, I asked listeners from low-conflict households what they did differently. Almost all of them said the same thing: they had clear family routines that everyone followed. Not endless nagging. No constant debating in the moment. Just systems that were understood and repeated often enough to become normal.

That’s especially important with phones at night, because this is one of those areas where the boundary really does matter. Teenagers need sleep. Phones make sleep harder. They keep the world in the bedroom when the brain is meant to be switching off. And as so many experts have said to me, the bad stuff tends to happen late at night, in bedrooms and bathrooms, when children are tired, emotionally vulnerable, and not thinking clearly.

So the thing to stress to our teenagers is that this is not really about our trust in them, punishment or control. It’s about protection when we’re all most vulnerable.

The most important thing to remember about rules is this: something is either a rule or it isn’t.

I used to teach this in my Parent Gym workshops when we’d play Simon Says. I told everyone that the person who lost would have to do a nasty forfeit. We played the game and I called up the person who lost, who would inevitably feel fearful. I would then change my mind and say ‘Oh I can’t do that to you, it’s OK. I’m not going to do that.’

A few things would happen. Firstly, the others would feel it was unfair. They were watching to see what would happen, and when they realised my ‘threat’ didn’t mean anything they were deflated. Secondly, that deflation meant when I introduced the game for a second time, nobody was very interested. They knew that stakes I had introduced didn’t actually exist. Thirdly, if I tried to reintroduce the ‘threat’ they could rightly point at the first instance in which the person ‘got away with it’ and refuse to do what I asked. Fourthly, it was then clear that it would take several times of playing the game, and actually imposing the ‘threat’, before they would genuinely believe I meant it.

So my conclusion is either don’t have the rule, or make it a proper one that you believe is fair and you’re prepared to enforce.

The good news is that teenagers are much more likely to accept boundaries when they feel they’ve been treated with fairness, status and respect. They may not like the rule, but they cope better with it when they understand the reasoning and have had some involvement in how it works.

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So if you’re trying to make this boundary stick, these are the points I’d keep in mind:

• Start with the why. Make sure the rule really matters. With phones at night, I think it does: sleep, mental health, school, and safety are all at stake.

• Remember that something is either a rule or it isn’t. If it changes according to everyone’s mood or energy levels, it will quickly become a negotiation.

• Appeal to their need for status and respect. Don’t just announce the rule. Talk through the reasoning and involve them in working out what’s realistic in terms of implementing it.

• Make it a rule everyone follows. Personally, I think all of us should leave our devices outside our rooms at night, so doing it with them is a powerful proof that you believe what you say.

• Agree the details together. Ask what time the phone should be handed in, how much sleep they think they need, and what kind of reminder would help.

• Make the system the problem, not you. Use an alarm, a charging spot outside bedrooms, parental controls or Wi-Fi shut-offs. The less personal it feels, the less there is to fight about.

• Warn before the hand-in time. Ten minutes’ notice gives them time to finish conversations and makes compliance much more likely.

• Be boringly consistent. Don’t get dragged into a debate at 10pm. Refer back to the agreement and talk tomorrow if needed.

• Don’t rely on evening emotional endurance. If you’re already stretched, you need a system that works even when you’re running on empty.

• If other adults are involved, communicate clearly. Let them know what has been agreed and ask them to support it.

The aim is not to win. It’s to make the whole thing so predictable, so consistent, and frankly so boring that it stops becoming a battleground.

And if you do lose your temper sometimes, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Usually it just means you’re overloaded. What matters most is not perfection. It’s coming back to the boundary calmly, and holding it again.

Because in the end, these moments are not really about phones. They’re about whether our children feel that someone is steady enough to be in charge.

And however much they protest, that steadiness is often what helps them feel safe.

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Rules, consequences and the teen who doesn’t seem to care.

Reducing friction using the magic of routine

Fix your teen’s sleep

Create rules that work: Checklist

Sleep study mentioned

Over the years I have come to realise that the two most important things for us parents to focus on when raising teens should be routine and connection. Routine is incredible for calming everyone’s nervous system and dramatically reducing nagging. Connection is the foundation for absolutely everything. Our rules, our values, everything stems from being in a connected family who care deeply about each other.

I’ve been creating a course for my paid subscribers that covers the core things, and how to develop them at home, and when I ran it past my youngest she said ‘The only reason I do things you ask is because of our relationship. I don’t want to lose our closeness and mutual respect.’

Relationships aren’t about perfection and this episode is an invitation to step off that perfectionist treadmill. Instead of parenting for perfect grades, perfect behavior, or perfect choices, I invited Licensed Clinical Social Worker and mum, Ronnie Vehemente, to give us a better understanding of how we can parent for connection: building daily rituals of togetherness, modeling honest self-care, and using compassionate self-talk so your teen can develop a kinder inner voice too.

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You’ll hear practical ways to show your child they’re loved for who they are, not what they achieve, and how that shift can transform the atmosphere in your home.

It’s one of those rare interviews when I set out to talk with Ronnie about one thing - the importance of us parents modelling self-care so our kids learn to be kind to themselves too - and ended up finding gold in something else; her rituals that build connection.

I’m regularly asked how to keep that connection with teens who seem more interested in cutting off their middle finger than spending any time we us. Over the years I’ve been a magpie of ideas that I can stuff in my back pocket and use to build our family bond. I highly recommend you do the same.

Ask anyone who seems to be doing well in their parenting journey what little tips they have, and what family rituals they use. You’ll be amazed by how many families have a rich seam of gold that’s been passed down through the generations; that you can pick up and invest in your own family. Don’t forget to let me know yours too!

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Connection Rituals That Make a Real Difference

Printable PDF for paid subscribers

1. Play Rose–Thorn–Bud at Dinner

• How: Each person shares:

  • Rose – something good from today

  • Thorn – something hard or annoying

  • Bud – something they’re looking forward to

• Why: Builds a daily habit of sharing both joys and struggles in a low-pressure way.

2. The Gratitude Jar

• How: Keep a jar, scraps of paper, and pens in the kitchen. Anyone (including guests) can write something they’re grateful for and drop it in. Read them together a few times a year.

• Why: Creates a growing bank of small good moments and shared memories. Ronnie says they used to open it at New Year and read all of the scraps of paper. I’m definitely going to do this.

3. Screen‑Free Connection Times

• How: Choose at least one, if not all and make it a “no phones, no scrolling” zone.

  • Family meals

  • Short car journeys - since my kids were little I’ve told them I’m not their taxi driver so they need to entertain me with ‘gossip’.

  • Bedtime wind‑down

  • Morning routine

• Why: These in‑between moments are when teens are most likely to open up and if they see you looking at your phone you could miss a vital moment.

4. Weekly Family Meeting (10–20 Minutes)

• How: Same time each week (e.g. Sunday evening). Simple agenda:

  1. One thing that worked well this week

  2. One thing that was hard

  3. One small change we’ll try next week

• Why: I like this suggestion because it means that you have a regular space to hear grivances or suggestions, that’s democratic. It gives everyone a predictable, calm space to raise issues and feel heard.

5. Shared Family Journal

• How: Keep a notebook labelled “Family Journal” where anyone can write:

  • Questions

  • Apologies

  • Worries

  • Appreciation
    Others reply on the next page.

• Why: This offers a gentler way to talk about hard things, especially for less verbal teens.

6. Evening Wind‑Down Ritual

• How: 5–10 minutes most nights to reconnect:

  • A quick chat on the bed or sofa: “One good thing from today?” or “One thing on your mind for tomorrow?”

  • Or a regular shared drink (tea, hot chocolate).

  • I really emphasise how important night time rituals are. When we have a solid routine it signals to our brain and body that we’re about to go to sleep, and triggers the release of melatonin.

  • I read one family has an entire family wind-down where they literally turn the lights down lower and work on their hobbies in the same room.

• Why: Ends the day with closeness, even if the day itself was bumpy.

7. Weekly “Out of the House” Connection

• How: A simple, repeatable tradition:

  • Sunday walk (I used to call this Church. My daughter would start the walk all wound up, begin talking about ten minutes in, and by the end would have ‘confessed’ everything and listened to any tips or advice I could give.

  • Weekly game night. I make a Shakshuka every Saturday and we play something silly together.

  • Regular market/café/ice‑cream trip

• Why: Shared routines turn into shared stories and anchor the relationship.

8. Narrate Your Coping Out Loud

• How: When you’re stressed, say things like:

  • “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a short walk to clear my head.”

  • “That was a hard day – I’m going to have a bath and then I’ll feel calmer.”

  • This is technique I discovered very early on in my podcast. It also helps kids to know, when you’re on your phone, that you’re not simply scrolling socials but organising the family calendar etc.

• Why: You’re modelling self‑regulation live, not just telling teens to “calm down.”

9. Micro‑Connection in the Car

• How: On school runs or activities, use simple prompts:

  • “What’s the funniest or dumbest thing you heard today?”

  • I always say ‘What’s the gossip?’ and listen with relish.

  • “You pick the music – tell me why you like this one.”

• Why: Side‑by‑side conversation often feels safer to teens than face‑to‑face.

10. An Annual (or Termly) Family Tradition

• How: Choose one repeatable “anchor”:

  • Same camping spot each year

  • Same hiking area. We hike in the Alps as a family each July, using AllTrails to give us options.

  • A named at‑home tradition (e.g. “Winter movie weekend”)

• Why: Becomes part of your family identity and gives everyone something predictable to look forward to.

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The question isn’t, “How do I stop my child getting hurt?” It’s:

“How do I stay close and supportive while they learn how to love and be loved?”

When our kids start dating, it can stir up all our own teenage ghosts as well as their new feelings. That’s according to Lisa Phillips, teacher and author of the book First Love: Guiding Teens through Relationships and Heartbreak.

This checklist, and the other PDF about breakups for paid subscribers come from our conversation. They offer clear, compassionate guidance on how to stay calm, ask the right questions, set safe boundaries, talk about consent, support breakups, recognise when they need extra help, and navigate LGBTQ+ dating so your child knows their heart is truly welcome at home.

If you’d like to hear more about navigating a dating teen who doesn’t conform to stereotypical norms here’s my interview with my own daughter, and here’s one with a woman who grew up in what she describes as a desi household and had to go no-contact to get them to accept her.

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Why Your Child Dating Can Feel So Big (to You)

When your child starts dating, you’re not just meeting their new partner – you’re meeting your own teenage self again.

Common parent reactions:

• Feeling overprotective, anxious, even panicky

• Revisiting your own first love, heartbreak, and mistakes

• Worrying you’ll “lose” your child to this relationship

There’s research showing a spike in parental distress when teens start dating. Many parents quietly ask themselves:

• “Why am I such a mess about this?”

• “Why does this feel so much bigger than it looks on paper?”

Key idea:
Your strong reaction is normal. But if you don’t notice and manage it, your feelings can drive the way you respond – and risk pushing your child away just when they most need you.

Shifting Your Mindset: From “Drama” to Development

It’s easy to see teen crushes and dating as “just drama”. But for young people, early relationships are:

• Their first real lessons in love, attraction, power, and vulnerability

• Deeply tied to their mental health, self‑worth, and identity

• Experiences their brain and body encode as real love, not “practice”

When we dismiss or belittle their experiences, they may hear:

• “Your feelings don’t really matter.”

• “Don’t bring this to me.”

When we take them seriously, they hear:

• “Your heart matters here.”

• “I’m a safe person to think this through with.”

Opening the Door Before It’s High‑Stakes

The best time to start talking about relationships is before your child is in one.

Use low‑stakes conversations

Talk about:

• Films, TV shows, books

• Celebrity relationships

• Stories from friends (with privacy respected)

Ask:

• “Do you think that was a healthy relationship?”

• “What would you have done in her shoes?”

• “Did you feel sorry for him or think he crossed a line?”

These chats:

• Build your child’s “relationship literacy”

• Show you’re interested, not just policing

• Make it easier for them to come to you when it’s their heart on the line

When They First Tell You They’re Dating

This is a crucial moment. Your reaction will shape whether they keep sharing.

DO

• Stay calm and curious

  • “Thanks for telling me. I’d love to hear more about them.”

• Ask open questions

  • “What do you like about this person?”

  • “How does it feel when you’re with them?”

• Show basic respect for the relationship

  • Use their partner’s name.

  • Avoid eye‑rolling, sarcasm, or “Oh, it’s just a phase.”

DON’T

• Don’t interrogate

  • Rapid‑fire questions about sex, every detail, or family background.

• Don’t immediately judge the partner

  • “He looks like trouble,” “She’s out of your league,” etc.

• Don’t make it about you

  • Launching into long speeches about your first love straight away.

You’re aiming for:
“I’m interested and steady – you don’t have to hide this from me.”

Share The Big Parenting Hug

Questions That Really Help

Rather than “Are you sure this is a good idea?”, try questions that help them tune into themselves.

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Keep repeating, in words and actions: “You’re not alone in this. I may not always say the perfect thing, but I am on your side, and I’m here.”

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Phoebe doesn’t want to text her friends, she only wants to see them. She’s been fretting over it for months and feels awful about it because she’s in a generatio…

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As a parent trying to support our kids through it can be tricky becaue our teens’ first love stories can collide with our own unfinished ones.

In this episode of Teenagers Untangled, I’m joined by professor and award‑winning journalist Lisa Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. Together we explore why every teen relationship story is also a mental health story, and what that means for us as parents.

We talk about:

• Why parents often feel a spike in distress when their teen starts dating

• How crushes, “situationships” and breakups affect the developing teenage brain

• The difference between healthy intensity and unhealthy enmeshment

• How to support both boys and girls in talking about their feelings, not just their “results”

• What it means to parent in a world of social media, online porn, nonchalance and loneliness

• How to show up for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens when their identities don’t fit the “straight story”

• Why consent can’t be a tick‑box talk, and how to navigate the grey areas with our kids

• What healthy support after a breakup actually looks and sounds like

If your child is anywhere on the spectrum from secret crush to serious relationship, this conversation will help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface. My hope is that it gives you language, courage and compassion to walk alongside them, rather than dismissing it as “just drama” or trying to shut it all down.

Because for our teens, first love isn’t practice. It’s real, it’s formative, and it leaves a lasting imprint. How we respond now can teach them not only how to survive their first heartbreak, but how to love and be loved for the rest of their lives.

Previous interview with my own daughter, Phoebe:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/144-first-love-breakups-lgbtq-how-to-support-our-kids-through-the-turmoil/

Contact Lisa Phillips:

lisaamyphillips@gmail.com

Lisa A. Phillips, author of the new book, First Love: Guiding Teens through Relationships and Heartbreak, has written about relationships, mental health, and teens for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Longreads, Psychology Today, Cosmopolitan, Salon, and other outlets. She teaches journalism and the popular “Love and Heartbreak” seminar at the State University of New York at New Paltz.

I normally do a little video with a thought for the week, but I’m away on an Easter break with my younger bonus daughter and her boyfriend so, since you’ve signed up to know more, I thought I’d let y…

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I thought it was a great question and a good opportunity to also look at how we parents best navigate when your teen has worked for years toward a dream such as a top university place, exam results, a team, a part, and it doesn’t happen. The disappointment can feel earth‑shattering for them and gut‑wrenching for us.

In this episode I talk with Dr Dominique Thompson, award‑winning GP and young people’s mental health expert, about how to support teenagers through big disappointments such as university rejection, exam failure, and missed opportunities – without rescuing them or minimising their feelings.

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We explore:

• What teens are actually grieving when things go wrong – including the loss of an imagined future

• How to validate their emotions while gently stopping catastrophic thinking

• The difference between building resilience and teaching kids to suppress their feelings

• Why today’s culture of perfectionism and “being the best” is driving anxiety, burnout and fear of failure

• How to help teens separate self‑worth from grades, offers and achievements

• Practical ways to prepare teens for university life, academic stress and independence

• When dropping out isn’t the only option – how to press pause, get help and return stronger

• What to do if your teen feels “left behind” while friends move on to university or big opportunities

• How parents can be a “safe harbour”: supportive, boundaried, and not adding their own disappointment to their teen’s load

If you’re a parent wondering how to respond when your child says, “I’ve failed you,” or “There’s no point trying,” this conversation will give you concrete language, mindset shifts and step‑by‑step strategies to help them cope, reframe, and find a new path forward.

Dr DominiqueThompson: is a multi-award winning former GP, young people’s mental health expert, TEDx speaker, author and educator, with over two decades of NHS clinical experience.

Dom now works as an international independent mental health consultant and speaker, President of the Student Health Association, membership of the UK government’s Higher Education Mental Health Implementation Taskforce, and Clinical Advisor to NICE and Student Minds.

She is author of The Student Wellbeing Series for young people, and co-author of How to Grow a Grown Up (PenguinRandomHouse) for parents.

dominique.thompson@me.com

https://www.instagram.com/drdomthompson/

https://www.facebook.com/drdomthompson/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dominique-thompson/

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I know, I keep banging on about the importance of figuring out our values and here I am again, but have you done it yet?

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